


Usopp  and the Spider

by StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Genre: Arachnophobia, but not even god can stop me now, i should be put in jail for word crimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 16:28:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17063102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: Alternate titles include:Usopp no longer gets to babysit LuffyUsopp gets his teeth kicked inand Sanji never again knows peace





	1. Chapter 1

Babysitting Luffy when they went to other islands was always one of the biggest pains. He was unpredictable, and even if you knew what awful thing he had no doubt planned, you had no way of stopping him. Arguable the worst part was that he knew exactly what he was doing, but just didn’t care. His smile said everything and Usopp hated that.

So far he was pretty well behaved. Almost by normal human standards too. He was going to chalk it up to them being at a moderately cool market place. Not too cool to have Luffy wandering off on his own with no warning what so ever to look at all the cool things, but not too boring so that he bailed to go find something more worth his him

That being said, a well behaved Luffy wasn’t always a good thing. Because that was a Luffy that got your guard down then caused trouble. Those were deep cuts of betrayal that you never truly got over. He’d be happy with what he had for now, but he was going to stay alert. Not again. Never again.

Though in the time it took for him to have his inner monologue, Luffy had vanished. This was exactly what he was talking about. This was such a Luffy thing to do and while he could definitely believe that Luffy would’ve done such a thing, he couldn’t believe that he let this happen. Anything from dog petting to a government being usurped could happen. But no matter what it was, it was going to be on Usopp’s head because he was the one that was supposed to be watching him.

There was a crowd, so who knew where that bastard could be. He could have already been befriended by a local and was plotting to overthrow a kingdom. Usopp was always glad to help but would it honestly kill Luffy to not stick his nose into the political affairs of every island they were on? It was getting more and more dangerous, because they weren’t in Paradise anymore, and Luffy was only barely making it out of those situation before. Even if they had all gotten stronger, so had the rest of the world.

Now was a time for Usopp to be inventive. If he was going to find Luffy, he was going to have to say something provocative. He could only guess where that’d leave his captain, because it could put him in a competitive mood and that just spelled disaster for everyone. But he supposed that it was better to face trouble head on than to have it ambush you later in the form of an angry army of a usurped monarch.

Usopp took a deep breath in, and readied himself for the chaos that he was about to unleash. But anything would be better than the wrath rained down upon him by the rest of the crew if he didn’t least try to stop this from getting out of hand. “I’M GONNA BE KING OF THE PIRATES!” It was a lie, because they all knew that if anyone was going to be king it was going to be Luffy. He was as strong as he was a bastard, and it was almost impossible to not like him. Even when he frustrated you to the point of wanting to pull out your own teeth.

“NO I’M GONNA BE KING OF THE PIRATES!!” Luffy answered back. That was enough to direct Usopp to where his asshole captain was. He pushed through the crowd towards him and to the direction where he heard his captain, pleading to a god that has probably long since abandoned them that for once it wouldn’t be trouble that he was about to walk into.

Luffy was hopping up and down around where he was. He was no doubt looking for whoever yelled about how they were going to be the pirate king. Usopp sure wondered who that could be. Because it certainly wasn’t him. More importantly than his total and indisputable innocence, was what Luffy was doing over here anyways. It wasn’t unlike Luffy to wander off, but Usopp would at least like to know what distracted him anyways.

He looked over into the stand, and saw some absolute darlings. In tiny little terrariums were these eight legged furry little sweethearts. They’d need bigger ones when they were taken home, but he couldn’t get over how absolutely precious these girls were.

“Oh! There you are Usopp! You wandered off on me for a sec.” An audacious claim, but he’d allow it. Sometimes you had to learn to fight your battles, and you learned fast with Luffy that there were a lot that you had to push past and ignore.

“I didn’t think you would have gone and found the cutest little tarantulas over here.” Oh how he wanted one. But they couldn’t have a pet on board the ship. Not everyone liked them, and it felt like something that they should all talk about before they did. Besides, he’d be heartbroken if something happened to her if a storm hit or they were attacked.

“Yeah! And I was thinking that we should get one.” This was a test. He had to be strong and say no to his captain. He was the responsible adult here, so he had to be the voice of reason for both of them.

“Luffy, I’m gonna have to be honest with you. This might be the best idea you’ve ever had.” He was a weak man, but he was going to be a weak man with a beautiful little tarantula. So really who was the winner here.

“I know right?!” Luffy seemed proud of himself. Usopp knew he wouldn’t mind later when he got thrown under the bus for this, because everyone by this point should know better than to try and shame Luffy. It was as impossible as it was to stop him, and Usopp knew how to pick his battles.

“Which one should we pick?” They’re all so beautiful.

“I’ll let you pick, but since I’m the captain I get to name her.” It felt like a fair enough exchange. His beautiful daughter was no doubt going to have a stupid name, but that was sometimes the price you had to pay for getting someone you loved. He already had his eyes on an active little girl.

“Deal.”


	2. Chapter 2

****

For a trip with Luffy, they had snuck onto the ship pretty well. Luffy did most of the heavy lifting with the cage and sand and sticks, but that was fair because he was in charge of carrying his new daughter. Plus Usopp had bet Luffy that he couldn’t carry all that stuff and even if Luffy knew it was a trick his pride wouldn’t allow him to get out of it.

All the stuff was put down in the mens’ quarters, and Luffy flopped down onto Sanji’s bed. He sat up and beamed at him with excitement.

“Okay lemme hold her tank while you set up her cage.” It made Usopp cringe a little to think about handing his little girl over to him, but Luffy had dealt with insects before. Despite everything about him, he was someone that he could trust with her.

“Just be careful with her, okay?” Usopp sighed, and handed over the cage. Knowing that he had years of practice holding bugs wasn’t the same as trusting him to be careful with his little girl. Luffy was still a known menace, even if he was someone that Usopp trusted with his life more often than he would like.

“Name one time I haven’t been careful.” He took her, ignoring the laundry list of atrocities that he had committed this week alone. “Now I just gotta think of a good name for you.”

He’d leave Luffy to that while he set up her tank. This was probably something that Franky should be a part of, but at the same time he didn’t want it to get out that he had given in to temptation and got a wonderful baby girl with a no doubt awful name. This was already going to be a scandal because this money probably should’ve been used on something more productive, he might as well push them over the point of no return so they couldn’t do anything about it.

At least tanks were pretty straight forward to set up. And while he wasn’t a carpenter, the table was easy enough too. They definitely had a chance to get away with this. This was going to be one of his best accomplishments to date by far. Most his crew mates didn’t let a single thing get past them, so to have this be almost set up was a near godly feat.

And then the door opened while Usopp was wrist deep in soil for the tank, and Usopp felt like the kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar before supper. There was no denying what was happening here, and no amount of lying could get him out of this. There was no way that Franky missed the look of joy as Usopp mused his victory over his crew mates. This was the price of hubris.

“So, y’gonna tell me what you’re up to, bro?” Franky asked, knowing damn well they were up to something. It was wild absolutely how this took him back about fourteen years to being a kid. The shame of getting caught mixed with the fear of the punishment that was yet to come and the guilt that came with parental disappointment to create a lethal combination. Which was off because Franky was a big muscley man in a speedo with no actual authority over him as opposed to his mother who was small and frail and was the only person responsible for him turning into a fine young man.

“Well, y’know how it is with Luffy. Once he says yes, there’s no stopping him.” Usopp nervously laughed. Usually he was good at lying, but he was caught off guard. And Franky wasn’t Chopper or Luffy.

“Hey! Don’t pretend like you didn’t want Octopus Punch just as much as I did!” Luffy said, reminding Usopp that Luffy also had no problem with pulling you with him under said bus. That was careless on Usopp’s part and he really only had himself to blame for it.

Franky didn’t give an answer, and instead looked at them with a quirked eyebrow and a judgmental look. It was fair but it wasn’t welcomed.

“I wasn’t in charge of naming her.”

“You do know that Sanji and Nami are both going to knock you flat on your ass for this and none of us are going to save you, right?” But that didn’t necessarily mean that Franky was opposed to this. He might be fine with their newest and most unfortunately named crew mate.

“This was the least awful thing that could happen. We got Octopus Punch to keep Luffy from starting trouble on this island. I’m willing to die a martyr at my friends’ hands for this.” Really they should be thanking him that there wasn’t an army after them that they had to deal with. It was always stressful and a pain in the ass.

“And you can’t be serious with this set up either. Here I thought I taught you better that this, bro. You’re really wounding me.” Franky came in and shut the door behind him. He sat down and bent over to look at the table under the tank. “What are you even using to keep it in place bro? The first wave we hit and we’ll be covered in dirt and spider.”

He’d say something about how that was basically an afternoon nap with Luffy and Zoro that he just described, but he wouldn’t say anything. Mostly because he was being ignored right now in favor of his mistakes he made when he was hastily setting up the tank. And also because if he pointed anything out he could only make this situation worse for himself.

“And after I’m done with this, you’re gonna tell the crew what you did.”

“That’s fair.” Laughter came from behind him. The kind that came from an asshole who was impossible to punish because he had no shame or guilt. Physical pain only could only get them so far.

“Shi shi shi shi! You’re in trouble!” If it weren’t for the law of their land and death having seemingly abandoned him, Usopp would’ve killed him by now.

“Shut up, Luffy.”


	3. Chapter 3

With Franky busy setting this up, it left Usopp to do his walk of shame out onto the deck with Luffy in tow. He had to say that it was nice knowing them, even if he was going to meet his end from Nami and Sanji beating the life out of him for his misdeeds. It was fair and unavoidable.

“HEY EVERYONE!! USOPP HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT!!!” Luffy yelled, so that everyone on the ship could hear. It would be a lot more welcome had he asked for that and if Luffy didn’t look so smug about this like he wasn’t just as much a part of this as Usopp was.

Naturally, Luffy yelling brought everyone up to the deck. It could either mean something great for all of them, or he was about to, or in the middle of doing something awful. Either way, it was usually in their best interest to go up there. It’s a strawhat rule you learn fast.

But now all eyes were on him, scanning over him to figure out what he had done and the magnitude of his sins. They were looking at him but all the answers were literally in Luffy’s hands. Nami gave him the most judgmental of all the looks, because they had left with money against her better judgment. The life remained unchoked out of him as she was deciding how brutal she was going to be.

“So before this gets out of hand. I just want to remind you that right now Luffy is out of trouble and we don’t have to fight anyone to fix the situation. So I did my job.” He had a right to be defensive, even if the judgment he was getting from the peanut gallery said other wise.

“What the hell did you do?” Sanji growled out his question, ready to kick Usopp’s teeth in despite his valiant efforts to keep their captain in line and not over throw a country.

This was like pulling off a bandaid. He was going to have to do this quick, and the pain would be over fast. Mostly because Sanji was going to kick his head off his shoulders like a soccer ball. He lived a good life and this would be the moment that the world would know that he was truly a brave warrior of the sea.

“I bought a tarantula.”

“WHAT?!?”

He took it all back, Luffy was good at absorbing blows, they’d just trade places real quick so that he could shoulder his part of the blame.

“You were supposed to keep him out of trouble, Usopp! Are we going to have to send someone out with you to keep you out of trouble too!?”

“I tried to get a doctor’s note. Now we know that my Can’t-babysit-my-captain sickness gets in the way of me doing my job properly. We’ll know for next time.” Even though he did an amazing job and the fact that people weren’t presently trying to throw them in jail should’ve been an obvious sign that he did. But here they were trying to crucify him for doing his best.

“Now how am I-Nami supposed to sleep at night?? You shitty sniper?! Think of the needs of the ladies on board this ship! Now Nami and Robin both have to deal with that!!” Sanji yelled, being maybe a worse liar than Luffy was. Usopp was pretty sure that Robin was indifferent about them. She might’ve been hard to read, but she didn’t seem to care about the announcement and was maybe having fun at all their expense.

Also shitty sniper might’ve been the weakest insult he’s ever been called. Usopp was still going to take a step closer to Luffy and Octopus Punch. It was the safest spot on the ship for him. She would keep him safe.

“Also Luffy named her so we can’t get rid of her now. Her name is Octopus Punch.” The looks on everyone’s faces were exactly how he felt about Luffy naming her, but it was part of the deal.

“Nah, that’s a stupid name. I’m gonna call her Gorilla Nun-chucks.” He sounded proud of that as he grinned looking into her little cage. Usopp had to wonder if he knew, and was fucking with them at this point. You could never truly tell with Luffy, so who knew.

“Okay, so her name is Gorilla Nun-chucks.” If it weren’t for the looming feeling of death, Usopp would be doing his best not to laugh. It felt even stupider to say than to hear.

“Cool. Can I see it for a second?” Zoro asked.

“See who for a second?” The devil part of Usopp’s brain took over, deciding that they’d make their situation worse for them.

“The spider.”

“First of all, she’s a tarantula and a lady. Second, she has a name.” Usopp pretended to be offended on her behalf.

The look that he got from Zoro was powerfully unimpressed, and now he was holding back laughter. He was going to do it and maybe Luffy should be in charge of naming after all.

“Fine. Can I see Gorilla Nun-chucks?” There were some snorts in the crowd as laughter was attempted to be held back by most. Even Sanji who was upset by all this looked a little bemused. “SHUT UP!! I DIDN’T NAME HER!!”

Zoro’s face was bright red with embarrassment. Now this might’ve been worth the ass kicking he was no doubt going to get when his guard was down. Luffy took Gorilla Nun-chuck out of her little cage and put her in Zoro’s hands.

“Be careful with her. She’s our ship’s pet!” Luffy lectured, not understanding the hypocrisy of him telling anyone to be careful.

“I will, I’m just going to go take a nap. Maybe with her I can have a peaceful nap for once.” Oh that poor sweet summer child. He didn’t know that all the people that were going to bother him were people that weren’t afraid of her. Luffy would listen to Sanji if it was for a prank too. There was nothing he could do to save himself.

“Good luck, Zoro.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uhhhhh... warning that this is mayhaps the worst thing I've written, and if you are arachnophobia and you've made it this far maybe don't. If you also have a thing about eyes maybe don't.

It had been an exciting day for all of them for sure. Of all the things that he thought would’ve happened today, Brook hadn’t expected a tarantula. He couldn’t say he was fond of bugs, but it took more than just a little creepy crawly to get under his skin.

Nothing really got under his skin anymore, since he was all bones now.

But jokes aside. Pasta Salad Dragon (or at least Brook was pretty sure that was what her name was now) was a nice change of pace for all of them. She was by far one of their most cooperative crew members, and she was so quiet and calm. Aside from her many hairy arms and many many eyes, Brook couldn’t see what there was to be afraid of with her.

That being said, he never really got the chance to see her much today. Between Zoro taking her for a nap, and Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper fawning over her most of today, he never really got to see much of her. Maybe up close he’d see what the big deal was.

Spider thoughts aside, Brook couldn’t really shake this weird feeling that he had. It was kinda like there was wind blowing on his old bones. His arm had fallen out of his blanket, so maybe that was it. The people on this ship had an awful habit of leaving the door open.

He tucked his arm back in the blanket. Even if he didn’t really feel hot or cold as drastically as everyone else did, there was still something that felt secure about tucking all the pieces of him into his blanket. Maybe it wasn’t so he was less exposed and harder to knock out of his bed. It got rowdy in there, and the fewer limbs in tugging range the better.

They weren’t really his type anyways. And that limb was also long gone. He will never be forgotten.

As he laid there, he couldn’t really get rid of that feeling. Maybe it wasn’t a draft this time, maybe it was a loose thread from his pajamies. Both tickled his bones like this. The other option was it was a stray hair and for the sake of everyone it had better not be his or he was going to lose it. Even one hair was too many if you asked him. He couldn’t afford to lose even one strand of his beautiful afro.

It felt more like it was moving up him when he tried to brush it away. Either he was pushing it accidentally, or someone was pulling a prank on him. Neither really mattered, because this was keeping him away from sleep, and he would like to do that right now please.

Now that it was on his face, he felt like this starting to feel more like a prank. He didn’t want to open his eyes to see who it was, though. “Whoever’s doing this, could you knock it off? If I don’t get my beauty rest I’m going to have bags under my eyes.”

“Oh, I don’t have skin. And I don’t have eyes either! Yo ho ho ho!!” There were a few annoyed groans from around him.

“Brook no one’s touching you right now.”

That didn’t seem right. Because there was definitely something on his face. Most of the time that meant that someone was lying and that they were messing with him for the sake of a prank. There wasn’t any quiet laughter that he heard, but you could really never be too careful. He really didn’t have any other option, other than pretend like he could ignore it. Whatever was on his face he’d probably be able to see even if it was dark like this. It felt like it was right over his eye right now. The silhouette would be easy to make out.

He’d reluctantly open his eyes, and immediately be punished for his actions. He became very aware of what was happening. He watched in horror as very slowly a huge spider crawled into his eye socket and into his head.

It wasn’t until it was all the way into his head that the rest of him could catch up and register this new fear he was going to have now forever by letting out a blood curdling scream.

The lights flicked on and everyone was up and alert. The door bust in as the girls came down from upstairs. Everyone was going to bear witness to this tragedy that befell him on this day.

“Brook what happened?! What’s wrong?!” Zoro asked, swords drawn and ready to strike.

“My eye!! It’s in my eye!!” That was where his brain was supposed to be and now there was a spider. It wasn’t supposed to touch his secret special belongings. Or be there at all actually.

“What do you mean it’s in your eye?” Zoro squinted at him with suspicion, hopping onto his bed to get a closer look. If this wasn’t one of the worst things to have happened to him period, Brook would be making a joke about how close they were and how forward Zoro was being. Too bad this ruined the mood entirely so he didn’t even want to say it.

“A spider! A spider’s in my eye!!” He’d let out another shriek when Zoro reached in to pull it out. “You can’t just reach into someone’s head without asking first! How rude!”

“Fine I can leave it in there.”

“No no no no take it out.” It was way worse thinking about it crawling around in his head. He could feel it which was the worst part of all of this. It tickled in the worst possible way.

There was a shrill scream as the spider was pulled out. Brook wasn’t sure who’s scream it was, because he was too focused on the size of it. It might’ve been his, but who could say at this point.

“How the hell did that thing crawl across the room and get all the way up to Brook are you fucking shitting me?!” Sanji screeched, maybe revealing himself as the screamer.

“Hotdog Water isn’t a thing! She’s a lady!” Luffy yelled back, having seemingly renamed her since they went to bed. “I wasn’t the last one to touch her, so you’d have to ask Usopp about that.”

With his eye unobscured by Hotdog Water, Brook could see the absolutely evil glare he was giving Luffy. This was exactly the turn his evening needed. “I thought the top was on better.”

“So far it’s been every night!”

“It’s been one night, Sanji!”

“Both you shut the fuck up and get to sleep, or I’m going to be putting Hotdog Water on one of your faces tonight, and no one’s going to be happy about it.”

“She can sleep in my bed!”

“Like hell she will! You’re right above my head.”

This was the kind of chaos he could enjoy. The spider wasn’t in his eye anymore, so Brook could get back to sleep. He’d let the kids fight this out amongst themselves. He’d catch up the sleep that he was missing.


	5. Chapter 5

Sanji really did his best to avoid the men’s quarters ever since this all happened. This was all too much for him. A spider was on board their ship as a permanent member and there was nothing he could do about it. It has escaped, and he could feel it looking at him while he slept. It was repulsive, and the thought of it alone made his skin crawl.

But he was a man. A man who could stand up to his fears no matter how deep and how much sense they made. No spider was going to make him live in fear. Not even his past at this point was something he was afraid of. He had surpassed and over come them, and he knew he could take on a tiny little fucking spider. And Nami and Robin needed him to be strong for them, so he’d suck it up.

Aside from his duty as a man, he unfortunately had a duty as a chef. This thing that lived on their ship and tormented him every hour of this hell that was specially crafted for him, was unfortunately a crew mate now. No one other than Usopp and Luffy had a say in the matter, and they all had to deal with this. Even if it was a nasty fucking spider, no one deserved to go hungry. He’d sooner die than let someone on his crew starve. Even if it was a spider.

A violent shiver went down his spine at the thought of willingly looking at it, let alone getting close enough to give it food. He didn’t even know what the shitty things ate. He was sure that they were different from regular spiders, because Sanji didn’t want to think of bugs big enough to feed that thing. He was hoping he could toss a piece of fish or ham in there and be done with it. It may have been his job, but it didn’t mean he had to like it.

He could ask Luffy, but thinking about Luffy having information he didn’t and holding it over his head made him so mad he was nauseous. Though that might’ve been his body rejecting the concept of helping out a spider. But he had committed to this already so there was no saving him at this point. This wasn’t what he signed up for when he joined, but he was too deep into the Grandline to decide to be a coward. He was a man, and he was going to do this.

“Hey, Usopp. I wanted to ask you something.” Sanji had made sure that he had caught Usopp without the spider. Thankfully sometimes it needed to rest, and that meant that it wasn’t his immediate problem for at least parts of the day. It had been banned from the kitchen and dining room, so in theory there were parts of the ship that would stay safe for him no matter what. But theory excluded Luffy, and Luffy holding a spider excluded him from kicks because that’s way too fucking close to a spider for Sanji’s taste.

“Sure, what’s up?” This was physically hurting Sanji. It stung like something deep inside him had ruptured. “Sanji?”

“What do tarantulas eat?” He wheezed, Usopp putting a concerned hand on his back.

“Sanji… Don’t worry about Beef Stew. I can feed her myself.” His words drove into him like knives straight into his pride.

“I’m a man. I can feed a little spider. It’s my job.” He spat blood onto the deck.

“It’s not that big- Why the hell are you spitting blood?? We’re going to have to recruit a therapist next because there’s something broken in you!” Usopp smacked him on the back. Sanji expected him of all people to know how hard it was to be brave. And yet he stood there ignorant to the plight he was facing.

“So long as I’m here, it’s my job to make sure that no one ever goes hungry.” Usopp had the audacity to roll his eyes at him.

“Fine, I can show you how to feed her. But I’m still not sure if you’re ready for that yet or not. It’s a lot for a beginner.”

“I’m sure I’ve seen worse.” They had made it this far, they’ve seen a hell of a lot of things. He spent two years in hell, there’s a lot he’d like to unsee. There wasn’t anything that Usopp could throw his way that he couldn’t handle.

They went to the men’s quarters and stood in front of the tank. Sanji stared down the beast as it stared back. There was no way he was taking his eyes off that furry bastard for even a moment. Who knew what it was capable of. It could be poisonous for all he fucking knew. Like hell he was letting a tiny fucking bug take him down.

His attention moved over to a container in Usopp’s hands. “This is where I keep her food. Nothing too fancy, but it’s a meal fit for a tarantula queen.” Oh god did they have queens like ants and bees? He wasn’t emotionally ready for her bringing more of her kind onto this ship. That would be actual hell.

Curiosity got the better of him and he peered into the container in Usopp’s hands. He desperately wished he didn’t as the sight of the squirming and the legs was enough to get him retching. It was profoundly bad and the thought of that thing biting into those was too much. It was different when it was bait. Bait usually didn’t have legs. That was way too many legs.

“We didn’t even get to the feeding part yet.”

“I don’t care. Oh my god. Those things were in the room that I sleep in this whole time?” The time in which he is his most vulnerable?

He saw a look come across Usopp’s face that filled him with fear and rage. “Touch me with one of those things and I’ll kick your dick so hard it falls out your mouth inside out I swear to fucking god.” Usopp reached into the bucket and a scream that Sanji wasn’t proud of slipped past his lips. “USOPP I SWEAR TO GOD!!”

“Relax. I’m just giving her some. I wouldn’t waste food just to torment you.” Touching as that was, it felt rather generous to call that food by any stretch.

“Oh my god Usopp can we not have that in here? Can we keep her literally anywhere else that’s not the kitchen?” He was begging at this point. He couldn’t deal with this many bugs so close to where he slept. It was cruel and he didn’t deserve this. Even Usopp got to know some peace, and he lived his life afraid of so much.

The look Usopp gave him was pity and they both knew it. And at this point, fuck it. Sanji would take it. “I’ll see if there’s any room in the workshop.”

A wave of relief washed over his body as he knew his torment would be lessened from this day on. “I owe you one.”


End file.
